Through the pain.

This shit is too much. It's exhausting. 

I want to walk away. 

I knew that it'd be hard. But this hard? I wish somebody would have told me. 

Maybe I would have done things differently. I can't regret it. If I regretted it, I'd be regretting the most important parts of my world. I've invested so much time. I've thought about it for so long. We've given it so many chances. So many second tries. What a waste. I'm exhausted and have to walk away from it all. I know I expected too much. But it was always one-sided. He'd rather push it to the side than to deal with the issues head-on. How was I to know? It's irreparable. 

We've both decided that we don't want to do this any longer. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is the intolerable pain that I feel when the kids are heartbroken. 

   "Mommy, daddy is gone but are you separated?"

I can't lie to her. 

   "Yes." 

And I watch her heart shatter into a million pieces and the tears start pouring down her face. 

We stayed up past midnight. Both unable to get past the hurt that we are feeling. I try so hard to keep my pain buried deep. I need to be strong for her. I need to reassure her. 

   "Everything will be okay." 

She's exhausted and is finally overcome by how tired she is. 

I'm sorry my daughter. I never wanted it to come to this. I promised I'd never resort to a divorce. How was I to know? 

I'll always do my best to keep things consistent. I will always be there for them. My love for them will never change. 

How do I deal with their pain? How do I deal with the pain of not having them by my side 24/7? 

God, help me.