Comes and goes in waves.

These feelings. This hopelessness.

They come and go as they please. 

Taking complete control of my every thought. 

I try to talk reason into myself. I try asking questions that should alleviate the worry. It doesn't help. 

Last night I did a thing. This morning, I feel absolutely terrible. 

I feel used. I wasn't important enough to be given the time/attention as a wife? Now, the only reason I'm getting any type of attention is for physical reasons. I'm not that. I am his wife! I want him to worry about me and care about what I do on a daily basis as his wife. He doesn't. He won't. I'm not worth it. 

Do I want that to be a part of my daily life?
I require much more than I get from him in terms of making me feel secure in our relationship. 

I feel used. I get so angry inside. I want this so badly to work. But I want so badly to not worry about what he's doing online. I want him to feel my pain, to understand it. To never want to cause me that pain again. 

One week. Less than one week. Is what it took for him to seek out the women he thought were hot from years ago. What else was he thinking during that time? How did he remember who these women were? His good intentions don't seem very good to me. His good intentions are a betrayal. His good intentions make me want to disappear into the darkest abyss. I don't think he has the best intentions. I think that his heart has not been in this for a long time. 

How could he do this? I never, even in my insecurity, think that he'd do this. And now he's gone off and deleted accounts... not only is he going to hold this against me and tell me that he can't even have those accounts but now... now my brain won't stop thinking that this was done in order to create new accounts that I won't have knowledge of. Who is he? Where is the man that I thought I was married to? 

Why are we here? He wanted this. 

I am not okay with this. 

Take it back.

I can't believe that I fell for it again. 

I fell for the idea that we could make it work. I started looking at apartment complexes. 

Could we make it work in a two-bedroom? I don't need a house. If that's what we need to do, we can make it work. 

We can do this. 

But it was just an excuse, something he didn't actually want to happen. Maybe he didn't think that I'd actually go with it. 

Why give me hope? To just tear me down again? 

I fell for it, and it hurts even more. It hurts that I am not worth the effort. Ten years and I'm not worth the effort? Ten years and I wasn't worth the effort needed to address our problems. I wasn't worth the effort that it takes to share his feelings instead of pushing them to the side until it was too late to do anything about it. 

How was it so easy for him to leave when I was going through the most vulnerable time? All that bullshit about through the good and bad is bullshit. Despite the pain and sadness, I can't get past the anger that I feel when I realize that I wasn't worth the fucking effort. Someone who loves someone does not leave when that person needs the most help. I have cried out for help. I have begged for help because I had too much on my plate. I was sleepless and overwhelmed. 

I won't fall for it again. I am strong. I am capable. I will weather the storms ahead. 

I will get you off my mind. 

But I will leave those bruises behind. 

I'm never getting my hopes up again. 

Through the pain.

This shit is too much. It's exhausting. 

I want to walk away. 

I knew that it'd be hard. But this hard? I wish somebody would have told me. 

Maybe I would have done things differently. I can't regret it. If I regretted it, I'd be regretting the most important parts of my world. I've invested so much time. I've thought about it for so long. We've given it so many chances. So many second tries. What a waste. I'm exhausted and have to walk away from it all. I know I expected too much. But it was always one-sided. He'd rather push it to the side than to deal with the issues head-on. How was I to know? It's irreparable. 

We've both decided that we don't want to do this any longer. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is the intolerable pain that I feel when the kids are heartbroken. 

   "Mommy, daddy is gone but are you separated?"

I can't lie to her. 

   "Yes." 

And I watch her heart shatter into a million pieces and the tears start pouring down her face. 

We stayed up past midnight. Both unable to get past the hurt that we are feeling. I try so hard to keep my pain buried deep. I need to be strong for her. I need to reassure her. 

   "Everything will be okay." 

She's exhausted and is finally overcome by how tired she is. 

I'm sorry my daughter. I never wanted it to come to this. I promised I'd never resort to a divorce. How was I to know? 

I'll always do my best to keep things consistent. I will always be there for them. My love for them will never change. 

How do I deal with their pain? How do I deal with the pain of not having them by my side 24/7? 

God, help me.